I've broken many nails over you
that I've not bothered to fix
because you wouldn't notice
if I did
and
I'd love to see that smile of
yours, the one that spoke: new kid, new toy
but it's gone
and telling me the truth isn't
the answer
and showing me you scars
makes me wonder why I stay
in this spiraling manic depression
I ask myself
door one or two?
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
This was, overall, an interesting idea eloquently expressed; I particularly liked the first stanza. However, as has been pointed out, on line 11 the 'you' should be your; just a minor technical error but in a poem as short and intense as this one, it does make a difference.
Other than that, basically, I loved this. The only thing I would query is the "door one or two?" question at the end, simple because I don't understand it. Unless there's a really obvious meaning and I'm just being particularly dense and not noticing it, there's a possibility you could maybe explain it a little - although the length of the poem seems perfect, so I wouldn't expand it too much, personally.
In my opinion I don't think you need periods or capitals in this. It simply adds to the formless, "spiralling" idea behind it (and I've never been a huge fan of overly-punctuated poetry) but that's just me, I suppose...
I like it, and I agree with Ashley that you should be a your. Thats probably just a typo, though. It feels a little random, and I can't decide wether that makes me like it more or less.
I've broken many nails over you
that I've not bothered to fix
because you wouldn't notice
if I did
Maybe, to keep it a little more grounded, you could make that a stanza, and start the next one...
I'd love to see that smile of
yours, the one that spoke: new kid, new toy
I also think you should add some periods, and capitalize the begining of each line..
What I See:
line 11: you should be your
line 13: should there be a period at the end?
How I Feel:
I liked this poem. The sadness is conveyed very well. The only part that has me questioning is about the broken nails. How have you broken your nails over someone? Bite them? It kind of confuses the reader a little.
Of course, this is just my personal opinion. Just take from it what you want. Overall, I enjoyed this piece.